Cyber-attack doubles size of Microsoft employee paychecks

More than half of the firm's employees received twice their normal paycheck in their bank accounts, Chief Accounting Officer Frank H. Brod told reporters at a hastily declared press conference. He insisted that no employee's personal data was compromised during the terror attack. "Al Qaeda's cyber-terror army did not even learn who is the chief accounting officer of our firm," he boasted.

When asked to describe a worst-case scenario that could have happened, Brod admitted that "Al Qaeda could have liquidated all of Microsoft's financial assets and poured it into our employees' bank accounts. Our company would have to declare bankruptcy in such a case, as there would be no way to restore the money in time to cover our enormous burden of debt, which exceeds many third-world nations. Whole economies would crumble, given the fact our company is a global critical infrastructure."

Microsoft immediately swiped money from its employees' accounts to cover the cost of the cyber-terror attack. "According to our terms of employment, we can subsidize our operations at any time with our employees' assets," Brod explained. "Microsoft withdrew only as much as it needed to survive this cyber-terror attack."

Brod admitted the company withdrew "more than 100%" of the amount Al Qaeda overpaid to Microsoft employees "to cover the enormous cost of emergency cleanup operations." He refused to comment when asked if his own account had been raided for Microsoft's benefit.